My dear friend,
Thank you for your letter and my most sincere condolences for the loss of your friend.
All you say is very true and well, indeed.
As someone who’s tried it twice in the last year – and God only knows how the Hell I am still alive – well, what I wanted to say is that sometimes it’s just too much; and yes, someone could have tried harder; how could I do this to those who love me and I have responsibilities towards and all the rest but, in the end, it makes no difference because the truth is that, sometimes – please note that this is a daily struggle, often a few times a day too; a struggle with a life we don’t want to keep on living and the survival instinct that makes us say: “Maybe, tomorrow.” – it’s just too much and all we long for is the peace we know and remember being our true selves. And then it happens: an enormous calm enters one’s body and mind and without further ado one commits the act. No thoughts whatsoever, just an automatic response in an almost dream-like state.
I’m not going to add how the decision then happens for I don’t want to put ideas in anyone’s mind. I stop here.
Blessings to you all and to the ones you have lost.